The place where thin dreams are to come true...
Thursday, August 25, 2005
10:56AM - Slipped...
Sunday night i went out to north van to visit the guys. Well guess what Dave has a GF what a loser... i was seeing him forever and he wouldnt go out with me.. and shes like 17. Well after on my way home i drove home Nigel and Phil and we stopped at McD's and i had a Big Xtra. Ok so on Monday i had to work at 9:00am and i think that this was the worst day of training. I can say that i had a good day tho! I wasnt that hungry and i didnt eat all day! Then after work i ran for an hr and then picked up my mother from work then went t o ryans but all i did was sleep! Meh then tues i almost died so i had a scone at break then i had fries for lunch but then when i got home from work i ate like 2 bowls of fries and then did the oone thing i havent done in months i purged! well it did feel really good but i called my bf right away and was crying. HE just doesnt understand and i really want him to but i duno its hard to talk sometimes i love ryan dont get me wrong but i duno! Well i am now done training and am just waiting to start my job. I am at ryans he went to work and will be home later i just have to sit around and wait for him to come home.. i really love him. he keeps telling me that i cant get sick again because he wants to be able to have kids his own kids and he wont adopt! i want to be with him forever i really do i think that he is really good for me and that we are meant to be and i just hope i dont let him down! Plus on top of all this im proud that i have quit smoking after all these years... i know that its true that i did do it for ryan but i think that i also did it for my self!
Sunday, August 21, 2005
7:35PM - home
Well now that im home i wanna get goin on the losing weight... i went out for dinner with Ryans mom. It was kinda weird, goin to dinner with the bf;s mom. But it was good and it was alot of fun. it was nice to get to know her better! Last night ryan told me that he had been lyin to me this whole time about something. I thought it was goin to be somethin to do with the girl he was in love with forever.. but i was so off! he told me that he was a virgin before we met and i was the only girl he has slept with. He thought that i would be mad but i really wasnt at all. But im glad that he told me. i really did have a good time at the camp but the thing is that now i wanna get sick again. i knwo that that is not a good thing but its the truth and its kinda pathetic... but i really wanna
Friday, August 19, 2005
9:30PM - camp II
CAMP IS: really hard! I'm not talking about the activites but the fact that i am thrown into a group of girls which all suffer the same way that i do. its hard to really think about anything else but food and purging, as much as i thought that i was recovered im really not. it seens i just put the ED thoughts in the back of my mind but they never went away its really weird!!
I'M: really missing home but i know when i get home ill fall back into the way i was even with the support of my amazing BF. i only hope that i can acheive a goal let it be in health or sickness... to the future.
8:49PM - camp
It seems when we are put into situations we are unfamiliar with we become more familiar with oursleves.
At camp i have realized that i am not as recovered as i thought i was. I truly still want to be that skeletal figure i thought i =had given up on. I believe after hearing the girls "success" storied i am fallin deeper into ED's ways. at ight i think of when i get home and how i will try to once again to attain that pin thin body. As i am a normal size but with time and energy (excersice) i will become a perfect being. I believe again that 65lbs is how i should be. At this pointi have never wanted to do anything but go out and excersize. let it be at the gym, running, pilates, or anything. but deep down i wonder where these feelings came from. the longing for the warmth and love of my mother. I can relize now that i can only have her if i am truly physically sick. mentally and emotionally is not enough to prove to her the pain i am in and feel. all that i want to see are bones. they are so pure and clean. To stand infront of a mirror and see ribs, hips , and collar bones would be amazing. to know thatwhen i have a goal i can acheve it. On the drive to campi was a wreck! forgetting my sleeping bag and pillow. Then as we drove closeri became more and more anxious. My stomach uneasy i began to cry afraid i was goin to be the biggest girl there. being more then an hour late i knew everyone would be starring at the late fat girl. Never before in my life have i been truly happy. I can only guess it' because i have never been skinny enough, it seems as i might as well try to be thin so maybe i would fnd the answer to my sadness. Here at campi got to knowa girl. she wasnt here as a camper but as a peer counsellor, at every meal she sat next to me, she told her story and all i could think about was how u wish her story was my own. maybe if i move out then i can have total control. I decide what food is in the fridge in turn i decide what food goes in my mouth. it seems to me being in a hospital would be the same as being in heaven. i can say that i truly love my boyfriend but i dont know if i love myslef. at this time being sick is more important! its really sad to say but i'd rather be with Ed then ryan. ans i can see myself being with ryan for the rest of my life. Ed is not apart of my life ... he is my life. ans its sad to say that i choose it to be like that. Why does it seem so very right to me tho?
Sunday, July 25, 2004
12:11PM - summer
ok so that day last tuesday when brandyn came over...and we went for Mr.Sub it was sooo yummy. It was a fun day of frisbee golf. I almost won i lost by one shot! It was nice to see him again. After our game we went to the mall and shopped around. It was fun lol brandyn got lil man undies to go with his lil shorts i bought him lol. Then on the way home i went into my purse to get out my cell phone and bradnyn saw my dexatrims. he freaked out on me. I got mad at him and told him its none of his business. He dropped me off at Andrews and we hung out abit before i went to work. I worked 9-5am... it was ok i met these really hott guys. They came through drive thru and i gave 'em half off and then they parked and eat their food and at that time i also got a break so i went out and had a smoke and talked with them. Then i went in and worked all niight.. i did fall asleep at 4 but only for like 15 mins cuz there was a car and so the manager woke me up. When i got home i found a note from my mum and she asked me to stay up ''till 6 and wake up dillan for work. So i was up for 25hrs straight. I went to bed and slept for a bit. When i got up i called hilary and we we went to the beach with Monk and Oliver. It was a blast! I got home just in time for work. I worked 5-9.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
11:50AM - today
Ok so saturday we all hungout in jordans pool and realxed till 3 then we all had to go he had a family bbq or sumthing! Then we all went to marcies house it was fun! Juli marce and i made dinner.. i had 2 veggi burriots it was ok i felt really sick after! BUt then hil came and we all decided we were goin to go to Jen's party. So hil and i went beck to our plces to pick up our stuff. When we got back to marcies we did out makeup and we had a photo shoot with my camera. We left for jens and we got therE at like 11:30 but i had fun. Andrew was there.. the guy i have had my eye on for a while. Well we were talkin the whole night then i was like well do u wanna go for walk? he accepted so we went for a walk and yah well we made out. He is an amazing kisser! At the end of the evening he walked me home and we watched some TV, then we went out for a smoke then he went home at like 3:30 am. Then my mum call me in the morn and tells me that her bf is in teh hopital (intensive care) he cought a infection and it made his throat swell up he could barly breath. I wasnt allowed to go see him only immidiate family, So then in the morn we went to the beach ( marcie, juli, hil, chealse and I) it was fun other then we got htere so late that we had to park on the road!! We sat there and relaxed all day. I didnt know what to do about andrew so us gals talked about him and i decided to be cautious around him he seemsd to be the kind that just makes out with people at parties. When we got home i went to amy's place and we hung out all night. Then at like 10:30 andrew calles me and this is in the midst of amy and i giving each other makeover. he invites me over and i accept! He picked me up like 30mins later. We hung out at his house and watched tv. I ended up sleeping over but all we did all night was kiss. I loved how he kept commenting on how thin i was. He would hug me and put his hands on my ribs. I love how they are so promenent! I have gone down to 112 lbs!! In the morning he got up for work and gave me a kiss b4 he left at 5:30am! I fell back asleep and woke up at 11:30 and i had to be at work at 12:00 for my meeting so i got up and left him a note sayin to call me when he got home from work. I went to the meetign and amy and i went down town shopping! She bought sum ugs and other shose lol. We got some coffe and her dad picked us up and andrew called and we made plans. So when i got home i called him and told him i was ogn to have a nap and he could pick meup in a bit. He came over and we went to his house. We watched tv and talked it was nice he asked if we could go more exclusive so now we are seeing eachother. What the hell am i goin to tell keith. the guy i went on a dat with? we were suppoed to go on a date again i had to call him and tell him. i ended up sleepin over.. then this morning when his alarm went off he didnt get uop but it woke me up. So i woke him up and we just sat in bed and kissed and talked. Then nick came and picked him up at 6:30 and i lyed in bed then walked home and slept till 10:00. I got up and talked to my mum she went back to the hosptal i had a coffee and a smoke and then im here! I work toniht graveyard 9pm-5am it'll be bad. Brandyn is on his way over to play frisbee golf so ill talk to u all later!
Saturday, July 17, 2004
4:16PM - Moving on?
Ok so Yesterday I went to the beach with the group... it was nice! I had alot of fun there. (hilary, Shannon, amy, mark, mare, chealse, mikhaila, lucy, sean, and cole) It was hott i got a darker tan too. I got home from teh beach at like 5 or so. I got ready for my "date" i was excited and nervous. I left for the bus and well i missed it.. haha. Just then my neighbor drives by So she gave me a ride to edmonds station. I trained it to granville stn and then took my bus. I got the starbucks where i was suppoed to meet Keith like 45 minutes before i had to meet him. So I got my coffee and decided to walk around granville island. I did that till 10:10, i was meting Keith at 10:15 so i made my way to Starbucks and waited and waited.. then he calls to let me know he'll be another 15-20 mins because work was busy. So i walked around even more and then finally went back and met him. He was really tall.. hes 6'5 and im only 5'1 lol. He was really nice. He drove and got sumthing to eat at the gas station and them we went to spanish Banks. It was nice we sat on the beach and talked. It was weird like i enjoyed myself, but i dont think that i am ready to date. Hes a really nice guy but i duno it was kinda awkward when he was like all cuddly and stuff..then he kissed me and it was ok but i dont htink i really wanted to like... im not really over brandyn so it was akward. WHo knows. We are suppoed to see each other agian but i dont know.
I have been takin the dexitrim naturals for a day now.. well yesterday and today and wow i have gone from 119 lbs to 114 lbs in that day. I think this is workin for me. Im not hungery and i have energy so i like it. All i am eating is like 300 cals max a day!!
Thursday, July 15, 2004
8:55PM - Happy.. again
ok so yesterday i was suppoed to hang out with Duncan but amy called me and was like we are goin to the beach .. ill pick u up in like 30 mins.. so i got up and dressed and made sum coffee and then she was here. Chelsea, amy, lucy, grace, jen and maggie went to the beach. It want nice out but it was very warm. We went in the water and all talked it was nice. I was also the thinnest one there. When amy chelsea and i were in the water we looked up at the beach and noticed that there was a guy sitting with maggie and jen.. so we 3 jumped out of the water and went to see who he was. Maggie rushed down to tell us the story... he is there to smoke up with them so we all made up names so he wouldnt knwo our real ones. After a while lucy and grace showed up. Then we went to milestones for lunch. It was nice. THen we all headed home. I went to amys and we hun out. Then i went home and packed sum stuff to go to hilarys for gals night. I was fun tho we ordered pizza and then we rented a movie.. 50 first dates. i fell assleep like usual .. i wish i could watch a full movie lol. I was awoke by my cell phone ringing.. it was keith. We talked for a bit then i went back to the movie. After the movie was done we were waching much music and well that damn Avril Lavigne "My happy Ending" came on well i was like to hilary... change the channel please... she was like .. i like this song.. The song reminds me of brnadyn seeing that is thw song we broke up to.. well i couldnt help myslef i started to cry. She didnt even change the channel. She didnt tll the song was over. After that marcie was like are u ok.. but no one else cared to do anything.. ther was hil, mare, chalotte, alysha, juli, marcie, shannon and i, But they all slept over i walked home at 4 am .. when i got home brnadyn and i had this huge converstion...bah i went to bed at like 7am.
When i woke up it was 1100. I relaxed didnt do much but i went on line and started talkin to this guy, matt. Wow the most amazing guy i have ever met. I really felt s if i could open up to him and not be embarassed. We talked forever and finally he had to go he was late to meet his friends. It made me think how amazing people can be. The only thing here is he lives on the other side of canada... :( Amy called and i went to her place.. we tanned and talked then we watched tv and i fell asleep... lol. She went to work and i came home and realxed.. i talked to that amazing guy again... wow and another thing he couldnt be more good looking, No lie the hottest person i have ever met. But he has a gf and lives on the other side of cananda.. we can just talk soo well.. i cant wait to talk to him again...he made me soo happy like i was ok with my self. I felt soo pretty and wanted but then i thought he was a gf... so then i didnt feel as good.. but i have to say his gf is so luck y i would die for a bf like that... some day if i desreve it
todday i got diet pills!!! well this time is dexatrim naturals so we will see how these work!
Well im tired ill talk tomoro
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
12:19AM - another day
Ok so the diet is goin ok... the days arnt in order tho... yesterday was 800 cals and today was 600 ... so i think im working my way down!
Yesterday i got up and had like 3 cups of coffee and amy came over and we hung out and talked for a bit. Then i packed my bags for the beach and we went to pick up chelsea and went tp amys house where we hung out and got ready. Then we picked up everyone else and went to the beach. Half way there we get a call from the other guys and thier car over heated. So we picked up some water and then on the way we stopped to give it to them. At the beach we all relaxed it was fun... mark amy chelsea pat lucy sean andrew and cole. We left at like 5:30 so we went home and i went to amys where we relaxed then went to costco with her dad and then got ready cuz we were goin to go to Lucys. She was having peeps over. But then when we got there it was all grade 10's eekk! (her bro) but it got better and then amy steph and krista went for bubble tea. We drove everywhere.. the 1st place had no pearls and hten it took 30 mins to get to the other place! boo. But then we went back to lucys and someone took her purse so we looked for it but didnt find it.. Then amy drove me home adn i went to bed.
Then this morning i got up and had 2 cups of coffee and yougart. Then i got ready for warped tour and brnadyn and jayson picked me up and we were on our way. It was a really hott dayu but other then that i had a blast.. i ran into soo many people.. duncan and sarah buckler were there... such a treat lol.. but in total the day was really good. On the way home form the consert we went to Mr. Sub. When i got home i went to erinns and then came home and now i think ill hit the hay!!
Monday, July 12, 2004
11:34AM - day one
Ok so today ill start the 2-4-6-0 diet... i'll eat 200 cals one day the next 400 and so on then on the 4th day ill eat zero.. my fast day. I have done this one before but it ended up that i ate only 400 cals everyday. But this time ill do it rite.. im drinking coffee more and water more so i think the liquids will help and the coffee will help alot. Im also looking into diet pills i think ill hit those up. I dont think ill start smoking as i just kinda quit my casual smoking. If i do it wont be till i can legally buy them. Thats what i say for now but we will have to see.
I have to stop talkin to brandyn about my ED. I love him but i also love my ED. Seeing he broke up with me my love for my ED is much strogner at this time. It wont leave me in the dust. It will always be with me and i can rely on ana. She will never leave me nd hurt me like he did. Also this is why i am taking time off a bf. I dont need one to make me happy i have ana... i have no time for one i cant worry about him when all i can consontrate on is me. All i want to think about is me.
I am goin to be working alot more starting next week a min of 30hrs and a max of 40hrs. So i will be too busy for a bf and to busy to eat it is perfect.
Sunday, July 11, 2004
9:36AM - long road
Ok so here i go...
We one my first day in Regina i had abrunch with Megan and all of her friends (gals) it was ok i ate as little as i could. After that we relaxed and watched tv then we went to her mums place there i sat on the computer and watched TV. Then when she got home we went to a drive in theatre and we saw white chicks and 13 going on 30. We were late for the first movie adn then we fell asleep for the second. The next day at her dads house we decided to wash her car.. it was fun then we sat on her dads back porch and drank sum sort of alcohol... the her dads gf ordered chinese food.. ha i got out of eating because she forgot that i was a vegiterian so all i could eat was the white rice lol. That night we went to a movie with her BF Scott. We saw the notebook, i thought it was a really good movie i didnt cry thought. The next day was her grad i went the the cap anf gown adn help her at her pre gard party wih her family then i was off to the cabin with my mum and sister, we played card games all night.. then thenext day we went out to roan's ravine that is where megan and her family would be camping for the next week.. this is where the fun begins.. well when we were that the beach after setting up the tents... my mum was taking pictures of everyone and she said sasha these pictures would work much better on your camera.. so i decided to go and get them. On the way back i decided to go to the bathroom so i put the keys half in and half out of my bag so i could find them easier.. well when i was done i flushed the toilet and then swung the camera bag over my shoulder and then the keys flew out of the bag and then in to the toilet.. gone forever. A towtruck came and we got keys and my mum got a spare key to the cabin we were all good there but that was the excitement. That night was megans after grad i got soo drunk! this is also the night i picked up smoking again... stipid praries. Then the next day is the day her folks and everyone went out the the cmpground... megs and i were goin to go out later that night, that day walked around alot. That night we picked up Scott and went camping. This is also the night i met Tyson... long story not geting into it... camping was fun alot of tubing but not such good weather. When we got home from camping we saw another movie.. teh stepford wives. is was an ok movie! Not much happened until we left.. wel left early and got home thursday.
The first night i was home i went to brandyns place where that night he broke up with me. Days short of our 20 months of being together. I was soo crushed and i still am. The next night i went to the lax game and then had people over to my place it was fun.. i kinda wasnt in the mood to be socible but i knew i had to. The next day i went to the mall to buy a consert ticket adn on the bus i forgot my wallet :( so i had no money and no ticket. So at the mall i called hilary and she picked me up and we went to my place and then tio the mall where i got my photos developed. Then i went home and brandyn came over to tlak but all i did was cry. this was nthe noght i relized there is no chance for us to get together... now it is today and i have started my fast i dontknwo how long it will be but i want to lose weight.. i have no bf to worrie about me so hre i go ill let uknwo how it goes day by day!
Sunday, June 27, 2004
11:08AM - Gone
OK so it has been so hectick... since the last time i saw you.
CW:114 slowly but surly. Before i went i had to go to the doctor about my hand and how i burnt it.. mt bf took me and he made me feel so bad.. more or less we ended telling the doctor about the ED well now i am suppoed to go get a blood test.. screw that!! I tslkto my budd on msn who is also ANA well she said she had diet pills i could have she'll send then to me and by the time i an home ill have htem .. i did this after i went to the doctor lol.. FU brandyn. Well that was like 3 days ago and since then i have traveled 2 provences lol.. im now in saskatchewan. Visiting my best friend. Well i love it here.. everyone has commented on how much weight i lost its amazing! I love it.. that makes me want to lose even more.. which i will! The bf was suppoed to ccome out with us but he decided he didnt want to so then we left it at that but now he wasnts to but its to late my mum said no!! SO itll be a boyfriend less trip! I dont really want to go home here no one knows me and i feel like i can start over .. im juts that skinny girl and i love it. Well i better go and shower ill talk to u later
Sunday, June 20, 2004
2:30AM - its been a while
ok so it has been awhile and i am really sorry.. so the 10 day fast worked for like 6 days or so . well i did eat throughout the week but i did purge everything i ate. I did lose weight and i think i am looking better. i have more promenent collar bones and today when i was at jordans .. in his pool. I was tanning for a bit and when i went to trun on my stomache i found that my hip bones were killing me because they are poking out of my skin.. thinness i love u. It feels so good.. well other then then whole FAT theighs. Well we can only do so much at one time.
today i worked for 13 hrs. so many.. yet so much money. well i am leaving in like 6 days to go see megan. i miss her so much i just hope that her friends liek me and i hope i am known as the thin girl from BC. Yah well that will never happen when u weigh 114 lbs and ur 5'2 fuck the shortness.. i know i can tell now i will be the FAT short girl. But i can olny hope.
At work today i burnt the shit out of my hand on the grill and so i cant work tomoro or monday .. i have to go get a pysicians note to say if ic an.. but if i cant then i get payed for the shifts i was supposed to work.
I really want to take a diet supressant pill.. well any type of diet pill but i dont knwo what kind works and which dont.. and also where to get them. Well i guess i can keep looking on line.
My photography has ben soo amazing. I love what im doing. i hope i can get into emily carr for photography. it seems that is hoe i can speak me. That and my pethetic poerty.. Pro-ana poetry.. here is one i wrote in english:
The feeling of empty is here
It seems so clear
The pain it grows
And no one knows
Again once upon a thin dream
Yet so obscene
Thats hoe i feel
Have just one deal
If only someone could see me
Thin as can be
The goal so near.
Pathetic ya i know i am lol but hey i had to write a minute poem i chose to write it on ana.. my beloved.
Well i guess i should get goin i cant be on this when the bf gets here orr hell freak hes soo against ana and mia i love them so muuch, he doesnt understand.
I think i have to stop purging, my health is geting shot. My throat is really raw and dry. I havent had any blood come up YET and id be afraid if it did so i think ill try to stop that .. once a day is ok but no more then that, Maybe that will stop me from binging so much? i dont know but i hope so.
Well 2 days of school left and i cant wait it will be so much fun!!
SUMMER... i cant wait ... yet i can wait forever!
Wednesday, June 9, 2004
2:12PM - Day One
So here i go again... the "bf" says i have to stop goin online and goin to pro-ana sites.. well i cant just stop.. i dont want to. So here i am starting an online journal!
The weight i want to be is 100 well that is for the start of summer well that is so close but i think i can do it. But by the end of summer i will be 95 lbs. I know i can do it . last summer i lost alot of weight. i find it easier to lose weight in the summer.
Well i think i should go on a 10 day fast to get it all started. i guess i can start today seeing i havent eaten anything really today.. well i did eat but i purged it already i felt soo gross with all that food inside of me. I find it easier to not eat no seeing the bf just broke up with me ... we are "on a break". Hes the one who get me to stop being mia. well that lasted longer then i thougth it would but now i dont eat ( ana) and then when i do eat i purge it (mia) so really im in both worlds. I love it.
Well ill talk later