anabeautie (anabeautie) wrote,
anabeautie
anabeautie

camp

Letter:

It seems when we are put into situations we are unfamiliar with we become more familiar with oursleves.

At camp i have realized that i am not as recovered as i thought i was. I truly still want to be that skeletal figure i thought i =had given up on. I believe after hearing the girls "success" storied i am fallin deeper into ED's ways. at ight i think of when i get home and how i will try to once again to attain that pin thin body. As i am a normal size but with time and energy (excersice) i will become a perfect being. I believe again that 65lbs is how i should be. At this pointi have never wanted to do anything but go out and excersize. let it be at the gym, running, pilates, or anything. but deep down i wonder where these feelings came from. the longing for the warmth and love of my mother. I can relize now that i can only have her if i am truly physically sick. mentally and emotionally is not enough to prove to her the pain i am in and feel. all that i want to see are bones. they are so pure and clean. To stand infront of a mirror and see ribs, hips , and collar bones would be amazing. to know thatwhen i have a goal i can acheve it. On the drive to campi was a wreck! forgetting my sleeping bag and pillow. Then as we drove closeri became more and more anxious. My stomach uneasy i began to cry afraid i was goin to be the biggest girl there. being more then an hour late i knew everyone would be starring at the late fat girl. Never before in my life have i been truly happy. I can only guess it' because i have never been skinny enough, it seems as i might as well try to be thin so maybe i would fnd the answer to my sadness. Here at campi got to knowa girl. she wasnt here as a camper but as a peer counsellor, at every meal she sat next to me, she told her story and all i could think about was how u wish her story was my own. maybe if i move out then i can have total control. I decide what food is in the fridge in turn i decide what food goes in my mouth. it seems to me being in a hospital would be the same as being in heaven. i can say that i truly love my boyfriend but i dont know if i love myslef. at this time being sick is more important! its really sad to say but i'd rather be with Ed then ryan. ans i can see myself being with ryan for the rest of my life. Ed is not apart of my life ... he is my life. ans its sad to say that i choose it to be like that. Why does it seem so very right to me tho?
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